Lesson Three: Marriage Preparation and Transitions

This lesson opens up by comparing all we are required to do for a drivers license versus what we are required to do to obtain a marriage license. 

 “Marriage is the deepest and potentially the most gratifying of all human relationships, but it is also one of the most demanding. Unfortunately couples seldom have more preparation than a little advice from their parents and a new set of china.”

Marriage does take work and I think the longer I am married the more true it is. It is especially hard when your husband is taking 19 credits, has a job, you have a job, and you have an 8 month old baby. It is hard to find time to give your marriage the attention it needs. I love this quote by President Uchtdorf, "If there were a perfect woman, do you really think she would be that interested in you?" No one is going to be perfect and especially in a marriage, you are going to see how not perfect that person is (which is part of the beauty of marriage). President Kimball said that marriage requires "most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting." I am grateful to know that even though marriage is hard sometimes I know that I followed this counsel. It gives me and my marriage a lot of power. 

"Marriage is risky business. More risky than hang-gliding! Riskier than skydiving!"

Intentional Marriage Preparation

Marriage is a normal phase of life so why don't we prepare for it more? This section mentions several things that we can do to intentionally prepare for marriage. Attending classes, reading books, and attending workshops are some of the things they mentioned. Studies have proven that if you prepare for marriage you have a higher chance of your marriage being successful and enjoyable, but still most people do not feel a need to prepare for marriage or the transition into marriage. There were three reasons mentioned as to why people feel they do not need to prepare.

1.Myth of Naturalism-some people believe that good marriages happen naturally and without help.
2. Inter marital taboo- some people believe that marriage issues are private and should be kept between partners. 
3. Marriage preparation doesn't male a difference anyway.

One idea that was mentioned in this section is "enrichment experiences." I am not exactly sure what all these could be but he mentioned one being writing your family tree out on a chalk board and then describing your family relationships with each one to your spouse. Even if you have been married for a long time and think you know what your spouse thinks and feels about his family this could be a fun learning experience!


"If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear."
In a fireside by Elder Oaks, he talks about the difference between hanging out and dating. It is something to be aware of as you are looking for someone to marry. Don't just hang out, be intentional about what you are doing. One of the pitfalls of today's culture is lack of preparation. Don't let that happen in preparing to marry. 

Things to contemplate as you are dating:

The Lord will help and guide us but it is expected of us to make the necessary preparations. We are to study things out and determine whether or not someone would be a good fit for us and then take it to the Lord. These triangles show factors that can help predict success or troubles in marriage and it is a great tool to use while you are dating someone to predict possible challenges you would face.

It is also important to note that even if a couple passes this "test" with flying colors, challenges will surely come but it is no reason to end a relationship or give up on each other.

"We all have personal, relational, and familial weaknesses, and even after we are married, regardless of our preparation, we will discover weaknesses previously undetected or not revealed. Instead of ending a relationship as areas of concern appear, couples can realistically appraise the influence of these factors in the relationship."

AKA it just takes work :)

Here are five suggestions/pieces of advice I would say to someone preparing for eternal marriage:
1. Make sure you and your spouse's beliefs on foundation principles are the same. Its fine to have differing opinions and that actually makes a relationship better, but there are definitely subjects that you have to be on the same page with or things wont work out. You have to, in some form, value the same things.
2. While dating, go through lots of experiences together. Especially ones that will make you work as a team and have to problem solve together. It is important to see how he will handle stressful situations and when things don't go as planned. Note also, how they acts when they lose and how they treat and talk about people they don't get along with.
3. You marry who you date. How they act when you are dating they will still act when you are married (except for all the stuff they do to impress you lol). So note how they act and what they do and know that it will be magnified like x 10 when you are married.
4. A lot of things in life are routine and become meaningless after doing them day in and day out and I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. My advice for this one is to make ordinary things extraordinary and you will have a happy life. If you can make going grocery shopping together fun or eating dinner together every night something to look forward to, etc. Imagine how great your life could be if you made all the ordinary things in life, the great things in life?
5. I guess the last thing I would say is to pay attention to how they treat you. This is shown in lots of different things. Do they look you in the eyes when you talk? Do they make you feel like how you feel and what you say is important? Do they offer to help with things you need? Do you feel like they listen intently when you speak? and so so much more. The glitter and glam wears off fairly quickly and all that is left is you and your spouse and how you treat each other.

This was a good lesson and I enjoyed thinking back on how I prepared for marriage. These are still helpful tips for me even though I am married. There are always things that we can improve on.

Developing a Sense of Eternal Destiny: Lesson 2

This lesson opens up by mentioning the poem "The Touch of the Masters Hand", which is about an old violin that is being auctioned off. It looks old and of little use. The auctioneer starts at one dollar and the bidding gets to three before an older man comes to the front, dusts off the violin and fixes some of the strings. He plays a beautiful song and the auctioneer then starts back up the bidding at one thousand dollars, where it then goes for two thousand then three thousand. The poem ends by asking, "what changed the worth of the violin?" and then answers "the touch of the master's hand."

Our creator knows us, he knows how to strengthen us and put us back together when we feel broken. When we feel like the old violin, we need to remember that we still have so much value and worth. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can and will pick us up and dust us off.

"Examine how a strong sense of individual worth positively influences family life, and suggest ways to strengthen children's sense of worth"

Such a good question to ponder: how can we strengthen our children's sense of worth?

Eternal Truths:
We do not create our worth, we are given it.
Our worth is a gift from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
We discover our worth through the Holy Ghost.
Nothing we can do can change/diminish our worth, it is always there and never changes.

"Understanding and gaining a conviction of these eternal truths can be one of our greatest blessings in life because of the confidence and security it provides."

Worthiness vs Individual Worth
No one can affect your individual worth
Unworthy is not equivalent to worthless
Nothing you can do can change your worth

Individual Worth and Family Relationships
"While knowing the truth about our individual worth can help us in our relationships with family members, confusion can lead us to act in harmful ways. For example, a parent might be lax on rules at home, not wanting to damage children's self-esteem by correcting their behavior. Paradoxically, the ability to live up to a standard and grow through making productive changes builds self-worth rather than decreasing it."

Elder Nelson said, "In order to feel joy you must feel good about yourself—not in any sense of conceit, but simply a proper esteem for yourself, well deserved”

This section then goes over the continuum of Self Love to Self Hate and how Satan doesn't really care which end of the spectrum you are on because each end causes you to focus on yourself.
It then talks about how we are not expected to be perfect and its okay to struggle with self identity and finding out who you are, that is what the Atonement is for. I loved this quote by Bruce Hafen:
"Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose."

This analogy of flowers and weeds was too good to not share:
"We grow in two ways—removing negative weeds and cultivating positive flowers. The Savior's grace blesses both parts—if we do our part. First and repeatedly we must uproot the weeds of sin and bad choices. It isn't enough just to mow the weeds. Yank them out by the roots, repenting fully to satisfy the conditions of mercy. But being forgiven is only part of our growth. We are not just paying a debt. Our purpose is to become celestial beings. So once we've cleared our heartland, we must continually plant, weed, and nourish the seeds of divine qualities. And then as our sweat and discipline stretch us to meet His gifts, “the flow'rs of grace appear,” like hope and meekness. Even a tree of life can take root in this heart-garden, bearing fruit so sweet that it lightens all our burdens “through the joy of his Son.” And when the flower of charity blooms here, we will love others with the power of Christ's own love. We need grace both to overcome sinful weeds and to grow divine flowers. We can do neither one fully by ourselves."

"If the Lord sees greatness in you, how then should you see yourself?"

Building Children's Sense of Self-worth
In the home you can create an environment where your children can learn and grow. They can learn how much they are worth by what their family life looks like at home. The way that children view their self worth affects themselves, their siblings and their parents. Make it a goal in your home to help your children and spouse know and understand who they are. One thing that I loved in this section was that children need coaches not cheerleaders (not to say that coaches don't cheer you on, they definitely do). It goes on to say that self esteem is not built and strengthened by compliments but by:
Competency: mastering talents, the ability to do more things better
Power: exerting an appropriate level of control in their own lives
Acceptance: feeling that they belong to a group and are cared about
Virtue: developing standards and the ability to hold to them.

Self Identity
We can help our children identify who they are and their purpose by teaching them the importance of how God created them, including their gender. Gender is an important aspect of our lives, our future and was an essential part of our pre-mortal life.

In conclusion, it is so important for us all to understand our self worth. We need to know that our worth is everlasting and unchangeable. It mentions the paradox of being nothing and everything to God at the same time.
"As we walk the road of life, it is helpful to imagine that we have two pieces of paper in our pockets. In one pocket, the note says, “You are the dust of the earth; you are nothing.” You pull this out when you're feeling arrogant, self-satisfied, or too independent. In the other pocket, you have a note bearing the message “You are a child of God; for you was this world made, and you are endowed with a divine birthright.” You read this note when you are discouraged and feel like you can't go on."

A deep understanding of who you are can change your heart and your home.

Strengthening Marriage and Family: Lesson 1

Tyler started school this week so while he was busy doing homework tonight, I was wishing I had some to do as well. By the time I was a senior in college, I really loved going to class and learning. I loved doing assignments for my classes because I really loved what I was learning. It seems that just when I got the hang of studying and doing well in school it was time to graduate. Someday I hope to go back, but for now it doesn't really seem like a possibility. BYU has an independent study program that offers free online courses. I have thought about doing them before and even started one last year but I am determined to finish this one! I am going to do a blog post each week so that I can kind of be going to school with Tyler and we will finish the same week! Tyler is going to be very busy this semester and next, he is aiming to graduate a semester early. He can totally do it, but there are going to be some long, hard days for the both of us. It will be worth it.

Lesson 1: Families and The Great Plan of Happiness

• The family unit is eternal and was designed my God. It is not something that was new to us when we came to earth. We were in families when we were in Heaven. God has always been our Father in Heaven, we had Heavenly Parents. 
• "Marriage and the family unit are all the central part of the Plan of Progression and Exaltation. All things center in and around the family unit in the eternal perspective. Exaltation consists in the continuation of the family unit in eternity. Those for whom the family unit continues have eternal life; all others have a lesser degree of salvation in the mansions that are prepared." -Elder Bruce R McConkie
• This motivates me to be better. I want to be the mom that Leila needs to help her gain a testimony and be armed with righteousness. I want her to be the best she can be. I want to be the wife that Tyler needs to be a better priesthood holder and father. I want him to be the best he can be. I want to be the best I can be so that we can be together. I want to be with my family forever, that is what Heaven is. I am so grateful to be sealed to my parents and that I am linked to my siblings. I am grateful for the family that Tyler and I created and that we are sealed together. I am grateful that we are eternally linked, never to be broken.
• The Grand Prizes of Eternity are:
• Obtain a physical body
• Seeking spiritual growth
• Initiating a family
• I thought this was a sweet promise by Elder Boyd K Packer, "For some all is not complete in mortal life, for marriage and a family of their own have passed them by. But the great plan of happiness and the laws which govern it continue after death. Watched over by a kind and loving Heavenly Father, they will not, in the eternal pattern of things, be denied blessings necessary for their exaltation, including marriage and family. And it will be sweeter still because of the waiting and the longing."
• Three Pillars of Eternity:
• Creation
• Fall
• Atonement
• "These doctrines form the glorious trio that provides hope, healing, and help when we confront confusing, difficult, or tragic times."
• "It takes work and effort to recognize philosophies that are damaging to families and family relationships and safeguard our families."
• There are different sources of truth;
• Empiricism: Knowledge that comes through experience and the five senses.
• Rationalism: Knowledge that comes through reasoning.
• Empiricism + Rationalism: Scientific Method
• Revelation: Knowledge that God makes known to human beings.
• Revelation is over them all because it is knowledge directly from God and through the other sources there can be error. Science and Spiritual Truths will all align in time. 
• This story really touched me and taught me a valuable lesson:
• Their eight-year-old daughter was a collector of many treasures. Most of them were small toys, treasured art projects, or nature objects retrieved during outdoor adventures. One day, she received a gift from a family friend who had traveled to an exotic place and brought back a small but precious object as a gift. She was delighted. Several weeks later, a friend of hers was moving from the neighborhood. She was encouraged by her mother to present her friend with a “going-away” gift. Without a moment's hesitation, she came back with her most precious object. The mother was about to object and encourage her to give something less valuable, but she recognized that the child had given her a powerful example of avoiding “materialism.” The little girl demonstrated the ability to sacrifice for others and to value relationships over objects.
• WOW. Wasn't that great? I learned to give away the best things, instead of keeping them for myself. The world teaches us that we should keep the best for ourselves, but this little girl wanted to give what she treasured MOST away because the relationship was what mattered most. I need to be more like that. It doesn't matter what I HAVE but who I AM and what I GIVE. 
• Marvin J Ashton, " If he could have his way, Satan would distract us from our heritage. He would have us become involved in a million and one things in this life—probably none of which is very important in the long run—to keep us from concentrating on the things that are really important, particularly the reality that we are God's children."
• This example from Robert Millet is so great:
• "I shudder at the possibility that I might finish my life and then have the Lord explain to me that I had spent my time laboring largely in secondary causes. "
• Primary causes are Marriage and Family Life. That puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

I am excited to ponder the things that were presented in this lesson. I am grateful for all the resources we have to learn truth and gain knowledge. I am grateful for my marriage and my family and am grateful for every opportunity to strengthen them.

Love, 

Kelli