November 2016

What I am working on:

• Not biting my nails
• Having the living room and kitchen picked up and clean before bed
• Establishing a better sleep schedule for Leila
• Reading my scriptures more
• Reading a little each day
• Being more sincere and grateful in my prayers
• Working out in some way each day
• Doing something fun with Leila each day
• Trying to cook and use the food we have before buying new food
• Writing in my journal more often 

Some of my thoughts:

• Since having a baby every time I see one I have to stop and ask how old they are
• I love to see older people being active, they are inspiring. We all need to keep moving!
• The hardest parts of having a baby so far are figuring out sleep and when they get shots :(. Leila hasn't really gotten sick but I'm sure that will be terrible when that happens.
• I need to vote but the line is too long to stand in with a 5 month old. 
• I am a lot faster at gutting a pumpkin now than when I was in 6th grade

I guess that is all for now. Better start on my list so I can be better!

-Kelli

Hemorrhaging at two weeks PP

I meant to write this blog a long time ago so I wouldn't forget little details that happened that day. Last night I couldn't stop thinking about writing this blog because I don't want to forget the small miracles I saw not only during this experience but throughout my whole pregnancy, even though it was a rough ride.

I had pretty much stopped bleeding after the first week postpartum. I was back on my blood thinners and I was really excited to not be pregnant anymore. On Thursday June 9th, 11 days PP, I woke up and noticed blood on my sheets and clothes. I didn't think anything of it and went on with my day, the bleeding didn't get any worse. The next morning, I woke up around 6 and could feel that I was bleeding again. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up, changed my clothes, and when I went back to bed I told Tyler it looked like a crime scene in there (ha...just wait Kelli). I went to the bathroom again about 30 minutes later and there was a lot of blood again. I am really bad with blood and get light headed pretty easy. I cleaned up again and threw myself on the bed (feeling really light headed) and told Tyler that I think something's wrong I don't think this is normal. He was already putting the baby in the carseat, we decided to go to the ER. Tyler dropped me off at the front and I slowly walked in, wearing one of the very uncomfortable large pads I got from the hospital. I went to the front desk and told the lady I think I am postpartum hemorrhaging, she said okay go ahead and sign in on the computer. In my head I got mad at her for this, I felt really weak and it was hard to stand up. They got us back really quickly and tested my blood and did an ultrasound to see if there was something stuck in my uterus making me bleed. They didn't see anything and my levels weren't low enough to keep me there so they sent us home. I laid on the couch and Tyler made me a breakfast burrito. That was nice of him. I knew I needed to eat to help keep my strength but I didn't really feel hungry. I kept water right by me because it seriously felt like when I would drink it, it would give me life. At some point that morning Tyler went and got me adult diapers because I used all the huge pads from the hospital and regular maxipads were not cutting it. I went through 3 pairs of pants that morning until I decided to just lay on the couch in the mesh underwear from the hospital with a diaper. I was laying on a towel and a blanket. About every 30 minutes I would go to the bathroom and clean up, that would take like 5 minutes and I would get hot, sweaty and light headed each time because of the blood. At one point, I was bleeding a steady stream of blood, like if someone left the faucet on a little. That freaked me out. I called my dr's office and talked to the nurse, she kept asking "can you soak through two maxi pads in an hour?" I was pretty sure I could. I knew heavy bleeding after delivery is normal, but I wish I could have been more certain that this was definitely not normal. I was passing a lot of clots at this point, they looked like large grapes. This is also normal, but I was passing 3 or 4 every time I went to the bathroom. So like 6-8 large grape size clots an hour. Around noon Tyler's brother came over to help give me a blessing. When he knocked on the door, Tyler came out of the room and I could tell that he had been crying. I didn't know if I could sit up for the blessing but I did. I just laid my head against the couch. I had no strength and I don't think I said two words to Bryce because I was so tired. Sorry Bryce.

So this kept on for the rest of the afternoon, I would get up clean all the blood, pass a lot of clots, wait until I wouldn't pass out if I stood up and tried to make it back to the couch to recover for my next trip to the bathroom in what felt like a couple minutes. I drank lots of water when I laid down. Like I said, that was giving me life and I felt like that is what was kind of keeping me awake/alive. At around 2 we got a knock on the door and it was my dad. He had made a surprise trip up. What a time haha I put a blanket on (still not wearing pants) and he came in and met Leila and gave us all hugs. My doctor prescribed me some medicine so this was perfect timing. We needed someone to go get it but Tyler definitely couldn't leave me alone. My dad went to Smith's and got my medicine. While he was gone I started passing big clots. I probably passed 3-4 the size of plums. I remember I stood up and they just started coming out. It was a really strange strange feeling. I showed them to Tyler and he was pretty freaked out, too. One of the times I was in the bathroom I started feeling very lightheaded and I got really hot. I wasn't even able to clean up or change myself, I got too lightheaded. I called out for Tyler but he couldn't hear me because there was a fan on in the living room and he was playing with the baby. Somehow I made it out of the bathroom, I felt myself blacking out so I kind of dove for the couch. Well, I guess I didn't make it because I woke up to Tyler saying "Kel, Kel are you okay?!" and I was laying on my back on the floor on the fan. He helped me up and got me back laying down. "I'm okay" I said and reached for my water. Tyler said I was SO white and my lips were the same color as my skin. He started pacing and called my dr and told him that we were coming in because I just blacked out. My dr said that was a good idea. Tyler got the baby ready, got me some pants and we started down the stairs. We live on the 3rd story so this took a long time. Tyler wanted me to move quickly and was acting very "urgently", completely understandable, but I couldn't go fast because I didn't have any energy and knew I would pass out. It is a weird feeling trying to keep yourself from fainting. I was trying so hard to stay awake. I really felt life leaving me. Its an out of body experience when your spirit is fine but your body is failing. We got to the last set of stairs and I told Tyler I had to sit down. And then I laid down on the metal stairs because I really needed a rest to make it to the car (The car was about 10-15 feet away). I blacked out but it must have only been for a couple seconds because I don't think Tyler noticed. He put the baby in the car, my dad happened to be coming back from smiths at this time and helped me on the stairs. I wanted to rest on the stairs for a little bit longer but Tyler was really wanting me to get up (again, understandable), he pretty much picked me up and took me to the car. I hoped that I could make it there without passing out and I did! I laid down and said "Okay, Im okay, Im okay" and then I told Tyler to just take me to the ER. I was scared. He called my dr and told him we were going to the hospital and my dr said that's probably a good decision.
We go to the hospital and Tyler drove up to the front. There was no way I could walk this time so the baby and I stayed in the car and he got a wheelchair. A doctor that was coming to work happened to walk by just at the right time to wheel me into the hospital while Tyler parked the car with the baby. The dr had a bag of food and he joked about spilling it on me and them thinking I was bleeding because he had packed spaghetti. Good one dr. lol I said I'm here for hemorrhaging lol. The immediately took me back and checked my blood and it had dropped to a 9. My normal blood count is probably around 14 or 15. Blood transfusions are usually given at 6 or 7. There wasn't any rooms available on the L&D floor so I stayed on the med-surge floor. I was hooked up to a lot of machines the whole time I was there and the heart monitor I had to keep in the pocket of my gown would always make my milk let down. lol They started me on medicine to stop bleeding. It was the worst feeling like life was leaving my body and I can't tell you how helpless I felt. I am so grateful for doctors and nurses and medicine because without them I probably wouldn't be here. I stayed in the hospital for two nights and my blood dropped to either 7.2 or 7.5 (I can't remember) before leveling out. My doctor said he would have ordered a transfusion if hadn't started to look and feel better. One of the times I went to the bathroom while at the hospital my nurse came running to the bathroom door and asked if I was okay and I said yes? I'm just going to the bathroom and she said you scared me your heart rate went up to over 160 bpm! That's over 80% of my maximum heart rate. My heart was working so hard! Of course I was tired and it was a lot of work getting up but I didn't realize I was working THAT hard.

When they let me go home I was scared and I questioned if I should be released. I wasn't allowed to be alone (especially with the baby) for two weeks or so. Here I am 3.5 months after and I feel like I am STILL getting my blood back up. One of the weirdest things is how much water I would drink and that I hardly went to the bathroom. My body needed it all. I weighed myself a few days before this happened and when they weighed me at the hospital I was 5-7lbs  lighter. Not sure how much of that was blood but I thought that was pretty crazy. Again, I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, especially Tyler who watched Leila the whole time and made all the right decisions for me.


Miracles of this experience:
Bryce & Tyler giving me a blessing
My dad showing up unexpectedly
The dr that wheeled me in
That L&D was full. I dont think they would have let Leila stay there with me, which would have been hard emotionally and nursing-wise. Plus she slept in the bed with me because there were no rules against it. :)

So many people were angels to me and I have no doubts that I was being watched over. Thank you for all those who prayed and reached out to me during this time. It made a difference. We really are here to help and support each other.

Love,
Kelli

PS We really aren't sure why I bled so much. Your uterus usually goes through a round of contracting around two weeks PP so it might have been that or something might have been stuck. Whatever it was, I was still on my high dose of blood thinners according to my pregnancy weight, and they made me bleed a lot.

Thankful to be here and to be feeling good!!:)

I'm feeling normal!

Today I felt something great. I felt normal! Sometimes we take it for granted. We take for granted that we can get out of bed without help, that we can go anywhere whenever we want, and that we can shower without having to sit down because you feel like passing out. These are things I am especially grateful for. For the last 10 months I longed for some sort of normalcy and I feel like today I got it! It felt so good. Leila slept in til about 11 this morning so while she was asleep I got up and made banana bread, assembled some jalepeno poppers (next time wear gloves!! :|) and tidied up some around the house. I have slowly been getting back to working out and have been wanting to start running, but I couldn't figure out a good way to go about it with nursing. I could pump right before to be empty but then I am worried about producing more and getting mastitis again. I will experiment with it when I get back from CO and MN. Anyways because Leila slept in so long I was full on both sides so she ate on one and I pumped the other and we went to the indoor track so I could run!
I wanted to run a mile but I don't think I did, I ran for 10 minutes and every muscle in my leg was on fire. I lost all my muscle on bedrest, this should be fun getting it all back. I never realized how much I run on my toes until my calves were screaming at me. And let me tell you, I LOVED IT. I love being able to workout and shower normal and swim and sleep comfortably (although I still miss laying on my belly :(, I thought I'd get to do that again after she came out but nursing..)

Sometimes in life you get dealt really tough, scary cards, but everything always works out. With the support and prayers from family and friends I really have felt lifted. I feel so so blessed. Love my baby. Love my husband. Love my body. Love my life.

Today was a lovely day

Reasons why today was a lovely day:

1. I worked hard cleaning our kitchen and bathroom. Pinesol got a new smell? When did that happen? :( or did I just grab the wrong container?

2. Shannae and I sorted Leilas newborn clothes, most of which she has grown out of.

3. (This part of the day was not lovely) I went to the dentist to get three fillings (thank you pregnancy hormones for making me throw up everyday and make my teeth start to decay). It was absolutely awful. I don't know if my dentist just wasn't nice and gentle, but it was an awful experience. I don't remember it being that bad. I had been thinking of how to make my kids not afraid of going to the dentist and ways I could make it an enjoyable/memorable experience but after today I decided it is probably just going to be one of those lessons I have to teach them about doing things that are no fun because you have to for whatever reason. In this case, teeth are important and its better in the long run to take care of your teeth now. Yes, it might be awful but you just suck it up and think of yourself as a better person because of it. The lovely part of this is that my mouth is no longer numb.

4. Took a shower and shaved! 

5. Parted my bangs the other way and they looked nice. 

6. I got a little workout in.

7. Leila and I went on a walk. I wore my running shoes for the first time in who knows how long. I think I am ready to start running again! 

8. I started writing thank you cards. 

9. Tyler bought me mint chocolate chip ice cream.

10. I listened to Relient K's new CD.

11. Got the most adorable picture of my niece, Annie.

12. And last but not least, it was Camilles birthday. My other half :) love her so much! 

Love, 

Kelli

Oh sorry there are more!

13. Leila looked so cute in her outfit today and took two real naps in the room, in her bassinet!

14. Leila and I hung out in the grass as the summer sun went down.

I have a good life.

Leila's Birth Story

I went in for my weekly appt on Friday May, 27th. When the doctor measured my belly it was about 2cm smaller than the week before. Baby's heartbeat was great but he was concerned that I wasn't growing anymore. He sent me to get an ultrasound to check on babygirl. If she had dropped to the 10th percentile, we would be doing an emergency induction that night. Leila was in the 50th percentile the week before. The ultrasound was good, we saw her heartbeat, the fluid levels were great, and then the ultrasound tech stopped at an area where there was a lot of blood. I asked if that was the umbilical cord and she said yep! Leila's head was measuring around 35 weeks (I was 39 weeks) and all her other body parts were a little behind that.She had dropped to the 20th percentile. My doctor explained the reasons we should probably induce this weekend, including that the ultrasound tech was pretty sure her umbilical cord was wrapped twice around her neck. Its not super uncommon for this to happen but since it was wrapped twice and she wasn't growing, he was concerned she wasn't getting the nourishment she needed. Also, I was on blood thinners still and it would be a good opportunity for me to stop them before labor if it was planned. So I didn't take anymore blood thinners and we were scheduled to be induced Saturday night!

Saturday was weird. Trying to have a normal day when you know you are going to have a baby that night is really strange. Tyler's sister, Jessie, was there and we all went to eat lunch at Firehouse subs. I knew I needed to eat a good meal because my body would need the energy. I could not think about the induction while eating or I would lose my appetite. We went to the outlets by thanksgiving point and walked around a bit. I looked around at all the people and thought how weird it was that they were all just living their lives and had no idea that tonight my whole world would change. How could life being going on so normal when I was going to have a baby?!? lol We went The Children's Place and got a few things because we were having a baby SOON! We went to the airport and picked up my mom, I'm so happy she was able to come!

The rest of the day we waited to go to the hospital, at some point they called and said to come at 630 instead of 6. I really couldn't eat dinner. I was so nervous and nauseous. I was able to eat a piece of toast with chocolate milk and then it was pretty much time to go! We got there and they took us back. One of the nurses behind the counter said are you ready to have a baby?! I guess so! haha They took me to my room, gave me a gown, and said to call them when I was done. I did that in like 2 min. Lets get this party started people! Sooner we start the sooner its done. They put in the IV and capped it. About an hour later she came and checked how dilated I was and gave me my first does of Cytotec. I was dilated about 1cm. I would get a dose of cytotec every 4 hours, my dr assumed I would get 3-4 doses. My mom said something about when the baby would be born and the nurse said the baby would probably be born Sunday evening, since this was my first pregnancy I would probably progress slow. The evening was pretty uneventful from there. Tyler and I watched TV (I think there was a NBA finals game on?) and my mom took walks, discovering Winco and TacoTime. She went at least twice during the first 24-48 hours we were at the hospital. At midnight it was time for another cytotec dose and I asked the nurse for something to help me sleep because I knew I wouldn't be able to on my own. I slept for about an hour and then started getting contractions. They weren't painful, just uncomfortable, especially since I wasn't allowed to get off the bed. I couldn't even sit up because they didn't want me to move the cytotec off my cervix. So I just laid down. Tyler was asleep and I watched Ninja Warrior. At around 4 o'clock it was time for my next dose. The nurse came in and checked me, I was dilated to a 3 and almost fully effaced! So no more cytotec (Cytotec was used to soften my cervix, I had been taking evening primrose oil daily for at least a month and I really think it helped get me effaced so quickly!). My contractions werent awful but they were getting consistent, I asked for something to take the edge off and she gave me fentanyl (I think...) through my IV. I don't exactly know what happened but I felt WEIRD. Tyler said the first thing that I did when I got it was slap myself in the face. I did not like how it made me feel. I told the nurse that and she said it would only last for about an hour so it wouldn't be much longer. I don't understand why they give that to people especially if it only works for an hour??? The nurse said my doctor would be in soon to break my water to get things going. I don't remember what time he came but it was a while, maybe 7 or 8? He came and broke my water which was a really weird feeling. It felt like I got buckets of warm water thrown on me! They surrounded me with towels and soaked it all up. They hooked my IV up to some fluids since I lost all that water and because I was probably dehydrated anyway. My dr was impressed at how I was progressing. He then went to church and I went into labor. haha (Utah :)) Contractions really started up now, I wish I didn't have to stay in the bed because I would have been able to manage them more. All I could do was hug the side of the bed tight when I would get a contraction.  I asked when a good time to get the epidural would be. My dr thought this would be a good time because even if I was in labor for another 18-24 hours it would still be effective because of my size. The anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. The nurse told him about my medical history (blood clot, blood thinners) and what my blood level was at (they wont give you an epidural if your blood is too thin, there is a risk of being paralyzed if something went wrong) but my blood levels were fine so he felt comfortable giving me it. I got in position and he said to make sure not to move. I really hoped I didn't get a contraction while he was giving me it because I don't think I could have stayed still. He told me that I had an arch in my back, or it was curved or something like that, and I said oh is that good? Does it make it easier? And he said no lol I was like why did you tell me that lol. I got the epidural and my left leg got tingley really quickly and soon I could not move my legs at all. My lower back was hurting from laying down all night in the same position (and probably a little because I was in labor lol) so I would slowly and carefully rotate from my left side to my right side. It was great to not feel contractions anymore! This was at about 9 o'clock Sunday morning. I started to feel nauseous and sure enough I threw up. and again. and again. and probably every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours. I couldnt stop throwing up and Tyler and my mom took turns holding the throw up tube and rinsing it out. My mom kept wetting the washcloth for my forehead and Tyler kept getting paper towels to wipe me up with after I threw up. They are so nice.  At about 1030/11 my nurse came in and checked me, I was at a 6! She said baby will be here in the next couple hours so she went to call my dr. I think it was around 12 or 1230 when she came back and I was at a 9. I asked her for something to help me stop throwing up, I was still throwing up, it felt like non stop since I had the epidural. She gave me some zofran, why didn't I think of that earlier?? Im glad I didn't, you'll read why in a min. Other nurses started to come in and get everything ready, they brought a table in and started warming up the baby machine. My dr came in and said again how he was impressed with how I was progressing (me too! Good job, body!) I asked if it had been a busy morning and he said oh no not really, just went to church. I thought that was so funny that this was a normal Sunday for him. Break someones water, church, deliver a baby.... Dr's are awesome.  I told him how much I'd been throwing up and he said that's probably why I progressed so quickly! At around 1'clock I started pushing, which was by far the most motivating part. Everyone was cheering for me! My delivery nurse was on my left counting through contractions and Tyler was on my right, I think his hand was on my head and he kept saying things like "Come on, Kel! You're almost there!" and my dr was really motivating, too, telling me how effective my pushes were and that I was doing a great job! I felt her coming down and after every contraction the nurse would move the monitor around to make sure baby's heart was still going strong. At one point, I heard my dr say something like she is far enough now that if they had to use something to get her out, he could. I don't remember who it was but someone told me to look down and see her head. That was amazing! Leila was so beautiful. I saw the dr carefully unwrapping the cord from around her neck. Then they put a warm towel on my belly/chest and put her in it!She was so sweet and screaming her head off. I kept saying shh shh and my mom kept saying its good for her to cry! But I didn't want her to. I knew she was cold and scared and she didn't know why she wasn't so close to me anymore so I held her close! I watched Tyler cut her cord after it had stopped pulsing and then I just held her close as the dr stitched me up. She was 6lbs and 15 oz, 19.5" long, born at 1:24pm May 29th. At one point, I think it was when they took Leila to get measured I asked to see the placenta and the dr showed me the different parts of it. I touched it, it was strange and not what I expected. It was not smooth. Then soon after I got to hold my precious baby again, in her little hospital beanie. My little cutie. I love you, Leila Anne!

The physical and mental trial of a DVT

I was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis in my left groin/pelvis a little over three weeks ago. I have blood clots in two of the veins in my leg.Veins carry blood to your lungs and heart. I wanted to write down my experience and thoughts mostly because I am going on week 4 of bedrest and I feel like I am going crazy.

I had been having back pain for a few weeks already and was going to the chiropractor every couple weeks, which seemed to help keep that under control. My glucose test was on Friday, March 18th and I was really nervous about it. I don't do good with blood draws. I have had more than one experience of almost passing out after my blood had been drawn so thinking of not being able to eat good and having a large amount of sugar in my blood made me really nervous. Not too mention, when my mom took her glucose test when she was pregnant with one of us she passed out while she was driving home. So... yeah I was expecting it to not go well but I did try to stay positive because I knew that would play a huge part in how it would go. I scheduled my test for 830 am. I thought this was smart because I wouldn't have to be fasting all day or anything like that. It was not smart. It meant I had to wake up at 630 and eat eggs while half asleep (disgusting) and drink water. I fell back asleep. Then I had to wake up at 730 and drink the sugar drink within 5 minutes. I was doing pretty good! I got nauseous but I survived the test and made it back home. I did get sick once I got home, I threw up and then slept for 3-4 hours. I woke up and my back hurt a lot, the pain was kind of going down my leg and I could feel pain in my groin/pelvis area. I went to the chiropractor and he adjusted me, he suggested I get a prenatal massage. The next day I literally could not walk. The pain in my back and pelvis was so bad I was hunched over in tears trying to walk anywhere. I tried so many things to try and relieve the pain. Having played sports my whole life and going to school for exercise science I pretty much knew that something was not right but I have never been pregnant before so I thought maybe this was normal and I just didn't know. Lots of people would tell me things like "oh it gets much worse, your just starting your 3rd trimester" or "welcome to pregnancy". By the way , how does that help anyone? Even if it was just pregnancy pain why aren't people more sympathetic when others are in pain? It sucks whether it's normal or not. I took lots of Tylenol the next few days and went to the dr on Monday because of the pain. He worked out the spot in my groin a little bit (which looking back was probably BAD if a blood clot was already starting) and he gave me some exercises to try to relieve pain. I did the exercises everyday and they helped with my back, the back pain almost went completely away. I'm thinking the baby was on my sciatic nerve and my vein so the exercises helped relieve the sciatic nerve pain but the blood clot had probably already started. I got a prenatal massage on Wednesday or Thursday, I can't remember. It felt good and she worked out the spot in my groin too (bad bad bad). Thursday night I went to bed and my leg was a little off colored and swollen, looking back now I should have gone to the ER then. I woke up on Friday and my leg was really swollen and purple, I couldn't see my ankle bones and it freaked me out. I looked up things on the Internet and came across info on DVTs but it seemed too serious and scary to be what I had. I came across a website that had a chart that said something like swollen legs? Is it in one leg? Call doctor immediately. So I called and asked what they thought I should do. I didn't know if I should stay in bed or go to work or what would be the best thing to do. The nurse said that I better come in so they can look. I went to work and sat in my desk (bad bad bad) all day with my stiff, purple, swollen leg. One leg was distinctly bigger. Tyler picked me up from work and we went to the dr. He took one look at my leg and said yes you need an ultrasound immediately to see if there is a blood clot.  I was still walking at this point. He sent us to radiology at the hospital and the lady immediately found blood clots right in my pelvis. She said she couldn't release me because of the clots, if my doctor didn't answer she would send me to the ER. It was after hours on a Friday night but she got a hold of my dr and he said that he was admitting me to the hospital for at least one night. This was scary. Something was really wrong. They put an IV in my arm that they didn't use the whole time I was there (having it in my arm was really emotional for me. I wish they would have used it so there would have been some reason but I understand why they have to). Soon after I was admitted and in the bed a nurse came and gave me my first shot of the blood thinner, Lovenox and told me I was on strict bedrest. I don't remember if they told me much that night but I started (and haven't really stopped since) looking up information on blood clots and trying to get some kind of comfort. There was none.Blood clots are not uncommon but they are not common. Some people survive them and some people's blood clots dislodge and are fatal. And sometimes the people that do survive have pain and discomfort for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the anxiety that you always have thinking that now that you've had one you have a higher chance of getting a blood clot or while you have a blood clot the anxiety of it maybe dislodging at any moment. I didn't want to move, I was scared anything I did would dislodge the clot and it was terrifying (still is). Maybe I'm being dramatic but try to find anything on DVTs that is comforting. I asked for something to help me sleep because I knew I wouldn't be able to without something. The nurse came in in the morning for my next shot and told me that I had to do it. I looked over to Tyler sleeping on the couch and just thought to myself "how am I going to do this?" I was a wreck inside but somehow I did it. And I cried when she left the room. A few hours later the dr came and talked to me and told me the plan for the rest of my pregnancy, the
possibilities of what could go wrong and that I would be on bedrest for awhile. Tyler was gone at this point taking a test or going to get stuff at home or something. The dr left and I started crying again. I was so scared. I didn't want a filter put in my vein that would catch a clot if it were to dislodge to make sure I survived (although the comfort that would give would be nice), that could lead to permanent damage in my vein. I used most of the tissues on my little hospital table and the nurse came in and asked what was wrong. I didn't know how she couldn't just guess since she was in there when the dr was telling me all of this. Blood clots are scary because not a lot of people have experience with them. No one could tell me I was going to be fine or what to expect or when I would be better. No one could tell me what was going to happen. I had one nurse who had had a blood clot and she helped me a lot. They kept me for another night and they kept having me do the shots and I still cried every time the nurse left the room. They did a few blood draws that day. They were nice about it because they knew it was hard for me. One time the nurse had it in my wrist and she got it in fine and about 20 seconds later she said it stopped giving so she would have to poke me somewhere else. That spot bruised pretty good on my wrist. They did non stress tests for the baby twice a day and baby girl was absolutely great. The nurse told me she sounded better than a couple other babies that were a few weeks further than her, their mamas were also in the hospital.
We were able to go home the night of Easter Sunday. I slowly,very very slowly, walked up to our apartment on the 3rd floor. I did not want to do anything to dislodge the clot. It was nice to be home but I was scared. What if something happened and we couldn't get to the hospital in time? It was nice having nurses check on me to make sure everything was okay. I kept taking my pulse (still do this) to make sure it doesn't speed up or anything. I wish I had an oxygen monitor to check how much oxygen is in my blood (if its low that could mean there is a clot in my lungs), but I don't so I just have to do what the dr says and pray that my body can fix itself. 
My sister came a couple days later and helped so much. Tyler could go to school and work and not worry about having to leave crackers on the table for me so I could eat or worry about dinner or cleaning. Cami did everything and she helped me stay out of my own head. The rest of my family came too and that three week bedrest period went by really fast. 
The day the last of them left I had a follow up appt  to check on the clot in my leg. I laid on my back on the table and the ultrasound guy tipped the whole table so all my weight was on my legs/feet. I could feel all the blood rushing down and my left leg felt tingly. It for sure was purple and I hoped he knew what he was doing. This can not be good for my veins, I thought. He put the goo on and started looking at my veins. They have to push hard on your leg and it made me nauseous. He found the clot in my vein. It was still there. I was discouraged. He couldn't tell me if it had gotten better because he didn't see the first ultrasound. I didn't like watching his facial expressions. They weren't bad but you could tell that he knew how serious blood clots were. I got even more nauseous. I started to get really really hot. I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up, or both. I told him that I was really hot and that I was sweating a lot. He immediately lowered me flat and told me to turn on my side (it didn't help I was laying flat on my back-with a big belly its hard to breathe flat on your back). I turned on my side and he finished scanning my leg. I was trying to hug the metal railing of the table because it was cool and I was still really hot and nauseous. He finished and I asked for some water and a wheelchair. I thought I would pass out if I tried to walk. I was really sad. Its still just as bad, I felt. I probably went into that appt with way too high expectations. Blood clots take a long time to heal. I just wanted it to be gone, or almost gone, so I didn't have to worry about having a PE (pulmonary embolism-when the clot dislodges and goes to your lungs/heart) anymore. 
The rest of that day was hard and I was disappointed. More tears and now there are no sisters or mama at my house to help me. The next day I had an OB appt and we got to see baby. She is doing awesome. Growing just fine and looks great. The dr looked at the new report of my leg and told me it is getting better but its still there so we are going to keep doing what we are doing. Two more weeks of bedrest and medicine dosage the same (one shot in the am and one in the pm). 
So I am still on bedrest and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The anxiety that comes with having to monitor any symptoms that might be a PE is terrifying. One of the main symptoms to watch for is shortness of breath. What 33 week pregnant lady doesn't get shortness of breath? What person that has been lying down for 3 weeks doesn't get shortness of breath? I am constantly moving and adjusting myself to make sure it isn't a pain I need to go to the ER for. On one article I read that a clot is most likely to break off in the first few days to about 4 weeks after. I am on day 23, maybe at four weeks Ill feel a little better. this is definitely a time in my life I feel that I need more faith. I have never felt this before. I can find very little comfort anywhere so I have to find it in the gospel. I just have to have faith that there is a reason for all of this and that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I have to have faith that if this spirit is really supposed to come to us then both the baby and I will be okay. 
I am sorry if this is dramatic. This is just where I am at right now, but like I keep saying, everyday I am safer. Everyday I wake up and feel okay I am grateful for. I am grateful for today!



Love, 
Kelli 

Little Baby Girl

I have a little baby girl in my belly. She kicks me and makes me laugh. She doesn't like it if you invade her space. She is getting stronger and sometimes scares me when she kicks. Sometimes it feels like she does flips and it kinda feels like I'm going to pee my pants (haven't yet ;)).  It is weird to think that soon Tyler and I will have a baby. Its starting to feel real, but I still can't imagine how I will feel when I actually have her in my arms. 
I am thankful that Cami had Thomas before I had a baby because I think of how much I love him and it makes it easier. I get to have my very own! I can do this pregnancy thing! All the throwing up, not fitting in to clothes, muscle aches, joint aches, heartburn, and headaches... something is going to come from it all! Something so beautiful and so recently in the presence of angels is going to be in our home! 
If you have talked to me about this pregnancy at all, you would know that I was so sure it was a boy. We were going to have a boy and he was going to be a leader and a protector to his siblings. He was going to be gentleman that held the door and helped me with groceries. He was going to be a valiant missionary and fight for what is right. Well, we found out that he was a she and that seriously flipped my world. A baby girl? We are having a baby girl! 
She is going to be beautiful. She will have crooked teeth and light eyes just like her mama and daddy. She will still be a leader and a protector. She will be my little helper. She will help me with groceries and hold the door open for people. She will be a valiant missionary and fight for what is right. I have been thinking of ways that I can teach her these things. How can I teach her to be strong when so many things in this world are dark, perverted, and scary? How can I teach her to trust Tyler and I even when she doesn't like what we say? How can I teach her how much she is worth and that she is literally the daughter of a king? 
The saying "be loyal to the royal within you" has come up several times in the last few weeks as I've been thinking how I can prepare our home, marriage, and world for this baby girl. I want her to learn that everyone is sons and daughters, children of a king, even people that are mean and do bad things.  
I listened to a talk and realized that so much of her learning will come from her dad. This talk was directed to men.

"You are not ordinary men. Because of your valiance in the premortal realms, you qualified to be leaders and to possess priesthood power. There you exhibited “exceeding faith and good works,” and you are here now to do the same.⁸ Your priesthood sets you apart."

My baby girl's daddy is not ordinary. He is strong and courageous and he has fought his spiritual and temporal battles to be where he is today. She will have access to the power of God through Tyler. She is forever apart of our eternal family because Tyler and I have been sealed to each other for all of time. A bond that is not earthly and can not be broken by time or death. And because of this bond, she is sealed to us. 

"You are your daughter’s guardian in more than the legal sense. Be present in your daughter’s life. Let her know your standards, your expectations, your hopes and dreams for her success and happiness. Interview her, get to know her friends and, when the time comes, her boyfriends. Help her understand the importance of education. Help her understand that the principle of modesty is a protection. Help her choose music and media that invite the Spirit and are consistent with her divine identity. Be an active part of her life. And if in her teenage years she should not come home from a date on time, go get her. She will resist and tell you that you have ruined her social life, but she will inwardly know that you love her and that you care enough to be her guardian."

Her daddy is pretty dang awesome :)

And I am so glad I get to be his wife :)

love,

Kelli