Challenges in Marriage: Lesson 5

 "...Anyone who imagines that bliss [in marriage] is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed...Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration...The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

It is so easy to get discouraged when challenges arise in marriage. It is easy to get discouraged when your marriage requires work. My whole life I grew up thinking that I would marry the person who understood me perfectly, would know what I'm thinking before I say it, would know how to make me feel better,would know blah blah etc., etc., etc., but guess what? My husband doesn't know these things. And it's because we are different and come from different homes, towns, states, families, the list goes on. Marriage requires work and its true that people believe their whole lives that marriage is going to be easy and that they are going to be 100% happy and satisfied all the time, but most marriages don't work that way. 

Addictions in Marriage
Addiction-“the compulsive and out-of-control use of any substance or activity that leads to adverse consequences in a person's life and that produces unpleasant physical or emotional symptoms, or both, when the use of the substance or activity is stopped”.

Addictions in marriage take our focus away from the things that matter most, namely, your marriage and family. When a spouse is addicted to an object or an activity, sometimes the un-addicted spouse will make excuses for their spouse. The lesson says that in a way this is promoting the addiction behavior and enabling their spouse. 

Elder Russel M Nelson said, "Addiction to any substance enslaves not only the physical body but the spirit as well..."

There are many organizations and programs out there to try and help those with addictions.
Two resources are:
www.ldsmentalhealth.org
http://heart-t-heart.org/

Addiction to Pornography
Researchers who suggest there are three factors that contribute to the increase in pornography consumption:

• Accessible-Pornography websites are available 24/7.
• Affordable-There are many free pornography sites or ones for cheap. 
• Anonymous-Through the internet, many people feel if they look at pornography they are anonymous. 

Another researcher explained how pornography has developed over time and is now more graphic and interactive then ever before. 

A story that illustrates those addicted to pornography by Victor Cline and Brad Wilcox:

Years ago youngsters could make a little extra money by hunting raccoons with homemade traps. These young hunters built small wooden boxes with only one opening, and secured them to the trunk of a tree or fallen log. Around the opening they would drive nails at angles so the sharp ends pointed toward the back of the box. Next the hunters would drop a shiny piece of metal in the bottom. Inevitably, a curious raccoon would be attracted by the shiny object and, as skillfully as a monkey, reach his long, flexible fingers into the box and grasp it. Of course, it was no trouble to reach between the nails when his fingers were relaxed, but once the animal closed its strong claws around the object, there was no way to pull it out without running into the sharp nails. All the raccoon had to do was let go and withdraw its fingers to be free, but there it would sit--trapped by nothing but its own unwillingness to let go of the shiny—but worthless—metal. Pornography is a similar trap, drawing in the curious and then holding them by their unwillingness to let go of their appealing, but worthless, prize.

Elder Jeffrey R Holland said, "sexual behavior outside of marriage (or unhealthy sexual behavior within marriage, for that matter) is damaging because we are abusing and misusing sexuality for the gratification of personal lusts and desires rather than to accomplish the divine purpose for which it was given."

President Hinckley said, "Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with sleazy material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life."

Infidelity
"Complete trust in each other is one of the greatest enriching factors in marriage."
-Elder James E Faust


Fidelity means being sexually, psychologically, and emotionally loyal to your spouse. 


"The Proclamation states that “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” The marital challenges of addiction, pornography, and infidelity that we have discussed in this lesson frequently threaten the marital relationship. Through hard work, time, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, individual family members can overcome these challenges."

Lesson 4: Strengthening Marriage Relationships

This lesson opens up with a quote by Spencer W Kimball that says, "While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive (emphasis added). This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

I absolutely LOVE this quote and have certainly always felt this way about marriage. I am grateful for that. I never felt that marriage should be an ordinary thing. I have always been inspired and awed at the concept of two people loving each other completely and to the point of putting the other above all else. I love that you can be with someone that you like to be around and feel comfortable around forever. I tried to think of this concept while dating and it really did help me. Happiness in marriage really has no limit. This is motivating to me! Even if you have a great, fantastic marriage isn't it amazing that it can be BETTER? I love that our potential has no bounds. Both in marriage and individually. It is no ordinary thing. A partnership with someone you CHOOSE (in this day and age anyway)...I just love it. 

Covenant Marriage
We are fortunate to have The Proclamation to the World to help guide us through marriage and families. In the Proclamation it states that Marriage is essential to his eternal plan, which means that marriage is of eternal quality, it is not of earthly quality. It is meant to be forever. The lesson than compares a covenant relationship to a contractual relationship. In a contractual relationship, parties are only involved for their own benefit and if there are challenges, they leave the contract. People do not give all their effort to keep these relationships in tact. In a covenant relationship, parties give 100% always and work hard at the relationship even if they are not receiving what they bargained for. 

To have a successful covenant relationship, it must be centered on Christ. Elder Holland said it the best with this quote, "You want capability, safety, and security . . . in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. . . . Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness for you and for your sweetheart."

Once you are in a covenant relationship, your spouse comes before anything or anyone else. "...neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

I don't remember where I heard this but I love the analogy of invisible numbers. What is the invisible number above your spouse? A number one. And your children are twos. And everyone else are threes or fours or fives. It helps to put things in perspective and remember what is most important. 

Types of Commitment in Marriage:

"Marriage scholars Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg (2001) have identified two kinds of commitment: constraint commitment and personal dedication. Constraint commitment comprises external social forces that keep marriage together. For example, couples may stay together because of social pressure, high expense of divorce, or for the sake of the children. Personal dedication is more about a devotion and loyalty to an individual and to the institution of marriage. Having constraint commitment isn't all bad—it certainly can help keep marriages stable and couples can lean on it to weather the storms of their relationship. But research shows that personally dedicated couples show a greater priority for the relationship, feel greater satisfaction with giving, and are less likely to seek greener marital pastures."

Enduring Marriage:Love and Friendship

We are commanded to love and care for our spouse. It is our marital obligation and responsibility to not only let them know they are loved but to love and care for them. Love is not something you can fall in and out of because it is something you choose. C.S. Lewis said, "Love as distinct from ‘being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is deep unity, maintained by will and deliberately strengthened by habit. . . . They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. . . . . It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it."

Christlike love requires prayer and effort. 

Having a deep friendship is an essential foundation for happy marriages. John Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher said, "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." I love that such a high and holy principle is based on something so simple, friendship. If you have a deep friendship with your spouse, you can have a such a joyful marriage. Elder Marlin K Jensen adds to this, "A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.”

Equal partnership

The Proclamation states that husband and wife are to "help one another as equal partners."

There are so many areas in marriage and family life that should be equal in partnership. Roles are important and may vary in home to home, but neither husband nor wife is inferior. 

I absolutely love this paragraph, 

"It was not meant that the woman alone accommodate herself to the priesthood duties of her husband or her sons. She is of course to sustain and support and encourage them. Holders of the priesthood, in turn, must accommodate themselves to the needs and responsibilities of the wife and mother. Her physical and emotional and intellectual and cultural well-being and her spiritual development must stand first among [their] priesthood duties. There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [a husband's] equal obligation [emphasis added]."

Challenges and arguments will arise in marriage, even GREAT marriages have issues they need to work through. "It's how differences are handled that is an important key to marital success or failure. Knowing how to handle differences respectfully is part of making a good marriage better." I love that this section talks about being able to sort through issues and disagreements without any escalation. You should have that much respect for each other that you are able to do this. 

An important thing to remember in marriage is that it is better to prevent some arguments than to have them. Before raising a complaint or issues, think about if it is really something that needs to be addressed. Having charity can help you distinguish between things of importance and things that can be let go. 

Couple councils are a great way to prevent issues before they get too large. 

Elder Robert l Simpson said, "Every couple, whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day—-the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. And best of all, it's a time when love and appreciation for one another can be reconfirmed. The end of another day is also the perfect setting to say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry about what happened today. Please forgive me." You see, we are all still imperfect, and these unresolved differences, allowed to accumulate day after day, add up to a possible breakdown in the marital relationship—all for the want of better communication, and too often because of foolish pride."

Ways to approach disagreements:

• Calm yourself first
• Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately 
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts
• Soothe yourself and each other
• Listen with the head and heart
• Reach a consensus about a solution

Intimacy:

• “Intimacy is an enduring relationship between whole people. It includes communion with one's innermost self and union with others in social-emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual ways,” Victor Brown, Jr.
• "Premarital sexual involvement is a predictor of lower marital satisfaction."
• " In men, premarital sex even predicts later extramarital sex"
• "Couples who did not engage in sexual activity before marriage report greater sexual fulfillment after marriage."

Continuing Courtship Throughout the Years

"Scholar William Doherty (1997) commented about the entropic couple, who, through lack of attention to its inner life, gradually loses a sense of cohesion over the years. Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusions of bonding and intimacy.

Continued Courtship is a way to fight of the "entropy" that occurs in many marriages.
Some things we can do are:

• Attend to the little things-"Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.” Some of these little things mentioned by President Kimball (1977) include love, manifestation of esteem and admiration, expressions of gratitude, unselfishness, seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence. Couples can find dozens of ways to show these elements every day.
• Be intentional-Have rituals that you do often. Connection rituals, love rituals, and celebration rituals are a few different ones couples use to stay bonded.

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."

-Elder F Burton Howard

Five characteristics I think are most important for an Enduring Marriage:

1. Being intentional about your marriage. Spending time together and finding ways to connect with each other.
2. Centering your marriage on Christ. Studying together and having gospel discussions.
3. Thinking about bring up an issue or disagreement before doing so. Is it worth it? And having more Christlike love to determine these things.
4. Husbands accepting and taking upon themselves the priesthood responsibility of their wives mental, emotional, physical and spiritual welfare upon themselves.
5. Being committed to your spouse because you love them, not because you have to. Put them above all else. 

yay for good marriages!